Lonely

For some reason today I just feel extremely lonely. I have been home, but I still have the feeling that people are talking about me and laughing at me behind my back. No, I am not crazy. I do not mean literally behind my back while I am alone. I mean people that are suppose to be my "friends". I have a feeling that something is going on that I do not know about. Something that I must have done or said that everyone agrees they don't like.

I know that I can only count on myself in this life, and that I have to be my own best friend, but a part of me really wishes that someone else could be that best friend for me. I just feel like even though some people may call me a friend or a best friend, that when it comes down to it, they would rather hang out with someone other than me.

All of this just leaves me feeling empty inside. Like I am completely hollow inside and it aches. I don't really know what to do. I feel like jumping out of my skin sometimes. I always have my parents, my sister and my boyfriend by my side, but that's just not the type of relationship that I am lacking. I just need an actual friend. A friend who sincerely likes who I am and enjoys my company. A friend who I feel the same toward as well.

Just lonely today...

Feeling numb...

I have to say... I feel pretty numb today. I have been going through life feeling that I am nowhere near perfect. In fact, I can be selfish sometimes, emotional and way too sensitive. However, I have always felt that I truly and wholeheartedly care about others and try hard to be a good person. When I mess up, I will definitely admit it and realize that only my mistakes can make me better. I try not to regret my bad decisions, but instead cherish the value that they had in my life. I have been bombarded lately with others making me feel completely insane. Making me feel as if maybe I am a good person, but I take life too seriously and actually put no effort into showing others that I care. I think badly enough of myself sometimes. I don't really need others to help me push those thoughts even deeper into my mind. I AM TRYING PEOPLE. I try to remain positive. I try to laugh and put on a happy face. I TRY. Please just give me a break.

I am not as social as others would like me to be... I like staying home and listening to my music. Being my own best friend is all I can really do. My parents, my sister, and myself are really the only people that I can count on. The only people that will never leave me completely.

If I cry... I am here for myself. Half the people that think that they are my friends have no idea the things that go on in my head. They have no idea the battles I face day to day. They don't really care how I am doing. When I talk to them, their body language would tell the naked eye that they are listening. I say look a little deeper. A little longer. Their eyes will tell you that they are only waiting for their turn to speak. Their minds are just rehearsing their next lines. Something that has nothing to do with anything. Something maybe about themselves... or thoughts maybe about how I just need to let it go and cheer up. I am just sick of it all. I thank God for my parents, my sister and her husband. People that really care. People that would die for me in an instant. People who drop everything at anytime if they feel that I need them in any way. Those are my best friends. My goddaughter, Aurianna. The true display of innocence and beauty. I love her. Seeing her could turn darkness to light, any day, anytime. I have a friend, Anne. Just met her in April. She has been more of a friend to me in under a year, then some people have all my life. I think in a way she was put in my life as a guardian angel. A friend at the exact time that I really needed one. I am numb today. Numb, but trying to feel something... Trying to feel that there are people who really love me for me. Flaws and all.

Who is this me I speak of...

I know that I can be way too critical of others and their lives. I think that this happens because in reality, I am so critical of myself and truly trying to find out who this "me" person is.

I feel sometimes as if I am trying so hard to be someone that I am just not. Sometimes I feel like I am really being myself and it makes me so incredibly happy. I don't want to change like the seasons for every different person that I am in front of, or every group that I think that I need to impress. I just want to feel that happiness when I experience true individuality.

I am also finally choosing not to be surrounded with people who make me feel as if I cannot be myself. If I do not want to drive drunk, shouldn't that be applauded, not scrutinized?

I don't know.

Maybe they are right. Maybe because I do not want to be around people who rob others, do drugs and have bad attitudes, that makes me judgmental. That may just be me. Someone who judges others and has her "straight edge" moments.... but I just don't think so. I don't think those people are bad people. They are just people I choose not to be around. That is not a crime as far as I am concerned.

Someone once told me that if everyone around me feels that I have a problem, then I should probably stop thinking that they are crazy, and start looking deeper at myself. Well, I could be wrong and stupid for thinking what I think, but I would much rather be wrong and stupid, than politically correct and ignorant.

I am not really one who is eccentric or tries too hard to be different. I am one of those people who think that whether you conform to a trendy style, or a style you think is unique... you are still conforming to some type of style or ideal person that you think you want to be. Whether I wear Polo shirts and Khakis, or red and black striped tights and leather, I will be judged and labeled. It is just our nature as humans. So who am I? What label do I succumb to? I just don't know yet who this "me" is that I speak of.